Have felt worse

Being a crap meditator today and meditation tomorrow ….

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I can spend all  20 minutes in the morning on my cushion filled with worrying about the day ahead and not even notice I was breathing. Then, at the end of the session I feel worse than when I sat down. I think to myself “Where’s the point in that? I mean, I first meditated about 25 years ago and here I am failing again and again and again to make progress at this bloody thing.” I can convince myself of my own inadequacies very easily indeed.

And then if it isn’t my fault I can turn elsewhere and  blame those people at work; my bosses and their bosses who make me work so hard and worry so much. I can point the finger at my situation as being the cause of my inability to practice well. I think to myself in this instance  “When that all this changes, well then I will be brilliant and all will be brilliant and I will have time to be brilliant.”

Of course I know that neither of these states of mind is beneficial to me or to anyone else, but it happens. recently though, I am slowly seeing an answer to this. I have come to notice the best thing I can do is just return tomorrow for another 20 minutes and the day after that for the same. Maybe tomorrow will be crap too but at least I am noticing its crap and that is a start.


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