Dukkhaboy

Have felt worse

(Trying to Notice) The Blues Returning

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After 2 up weeks, a down one. I know thats no surprise, but as soon as things go well you start to think they will never end. Each time  I fall for that one, each time.

And when it starts to fall in a bit around me, I fall in with it. Self belief, self certainty, self esteem all crumble dustily. One bad lesson. A comment from a colleague, not meant to cause harm, leads me to see myself as I was a few months ago; impotent and crashing downwards without a floor beneath me.

But

There is a part in meditation when the outbreath ends and there is a chance to sense the space there;to let go. Although I don’t manage it myself , I can see there the possibility of ending the suffering. I don’t have to collapse just because I take a knock. I don’t have to get the blues, just because one bit doesn’t work out.

There is a bigger picture where my bad patch is but a blink of the eye, a passing result of some now forgotten intention. This minor event doesn’t have to be grasped. The outbreath leaves and right there the choice is mine. I just now have to learn to see that opportunity and then in time try to take it.

This is a lifelong practice. At least

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