Supposedly a large part of the shit part of my life finished yesterday. I showed them i wasn’t bad at my job. They rated me good. I had been worried for months. It was the first last and heaviest thing in my thoughts. I had wondered if i might weep when I was told if i was good or not. I didn’t. All was calm and professional. There was nodding at things said. It wasn’t a major moment at all.
Turns out that shit thing is over, but other shit things are still going on. Turns out by beating and outlasting that malcontented feature I haven’t found better happiness after all. Things are carrying on; plus ca change…
But this is a good thing, a marvellous thing. After all, no one could ever beat all the dukkha in their life; unsatisfactoriness and suffering are everywhere. If we could start to see each bit of dukkha as just something passing through; as a flash flood – temporarily destructive, but gone as quick as it came, then we wouldn’t need to beat ourselves up with our self improvement plans, our hatred of the now, the here and the me that is now and here.
That shit at work was horrible; its effects aren’t over yet. Yet all that energy I fed it in 8 weeks, all that time and mind i allowed it, the way I let it spill into others’ lives was not only all pointless but in fact made the whole thing worse. The dukkha developed and grew, self replicated and took over BECAUSE I tried so hard to push it away.
Lets hope next time I will do all that a little less.